Forty-one

I was about to leave my friend's party when a hoard of people came in, and since I love meeting new people I decided to stay a while longer.  Forty-one and I had a slightly awkward introduction when I made a Clark Griswold reference which he didn't get right away and just thought I had mistaken his name as Clark.  Once we got past that we made small talk while I became smitten with his easy charm. However, a few times he stopped to send a text message but apologized and said he was planning his family holiday trip.  Family?  As in parents and siblings?  He wasn't specific but I got the feeling that it was more like wife and kid.  I wandered away and mingled with other people and simultaneously got confirmation from a mutual friend that Forty-one was single.

Before I left I asked him if we could do something soon, to which he responded, "I have a family, remember?  But if you hang out with Rob then I'm sure I'll see you around." Confused and embarrassed to seem like a home wrecker I replied, "Yeah, I mean as friends, of course.  I'll see you."  Then I promptly left.  I asked Rob later about the situation, "Huh, well maybe he does have a family.  I don't think I've ever heard him mention them, though."

Either Forty-one was trying to be kind and decided the best way to turn me down was to create an imaginary family, or he really does have a family which makes me a hussy.  I think I'll just avoid him and play it safe.

Forty

I met Forty a couple of months ago when I was out with one of my co-workers at a comedy show.  We were talking at the end of the event, and I instantly thought he was adorable and charming; after a few minutes a guy walked up and started playing with Forty's ear, so I backed off because obviously he wasn't into girls.  A few weeks later, though, Forty shows up at the salon and says hi, "Hey, you're from Mortified, right?  Didn't I meet you there?" It took me a few seconds to figure out who he was and how he knew me, but I managed to fake knowing him until my brain caught up with his.  We had given him one of our salon cards when we met, and he just came into say hi because he lived nearby.  At the end of that visit, I was no longer sure if he liked boys more than girls.

Then a few weeks after that he showed up again because he had booked a haircut.  While he was there I decided he definitely wasn't gay and that I needed to make something happen.  After his appointment we made small talk about work holiday parties and dancing.  Obviously after talking about dancing I made my move, so I went the direct route and told him that I wanted to go dancing with him.  Right then the phone rang, and new customers came in so I told him to come back sometime soon so we could make a plan for dancing.   

Conclusion: my boss is going to have to put a new section in the employee handbook about asking clients out on dates.

Update 30-39

30 - We never went out after our frozen yogurt date, however, we've seen each other several times and are all good on the friend level.

31 - Sadly the hyper Motown DJ never called me because I'm pretty sure he would have given me a run for my money on the dance floor and added some major entertainment to my life.

32 - This guy wasn't even interested in me enough to trade numbers - he must be allergic to confidence and humor.

33 - Procrastination in Ireland made me fail with this one.

34 - This guy ignored fate introducing us to each other in Nashville and never responded to any of my date invitations.  To avoid a restraining order, I gave up after three times.

35 - Sometimes I know instantly that a guy isn't interested in me, but this wasn't one of those times.  

36 - I haven't seen him, so obviously he moved out of state.

37 - This one has taken an odd turn.  The last communication I've had with Thirty-seven is when I texted him asking how the rest of his weekend was and his response was, "Great.  How about yours?  How was Indie Slash?"  Indie Slash was where Rob and I met up with him and his friends, so I found his text confusing.  I replied, "It would have been much better if you hadn't vanished." So far I haven't heard back anything from him, so I have no idea what's happening.  I'm going to do my best to get things back on track with him.

38 - Double fail because I never did hear back from him or the girl in his group, so no date or new friend.

39 - I'm going with the theory that Thirty-nine didn't get my number from his friend, which is a shame because let me remind you he had a DOUBLE BRAID RAT TAIL!

Two out of ten. Upward and onward!

Thirty-nine

The night started out with Laura, Rob, and I joking about who could get the most numbers; Laura was rooting for me so as soon as her boyfriend's buddy came in she made him give me his number.  Then his friend Thirty-nine walked in, and I was smitten.  Tall and goofy with a double braid rat-tail off of the right side, a genuine smile, and a soul full of dancing to the band we were watching made me want his number regardless of any friendly competition.  We danced throughout the night, laughed, and had silly conversations.  At the end of the evening I told him we should go out sometime and celebrate life (I have no idea why I said that; as soon as it came out of my mouth I thought it sounded odd.  Such is my life - odd).  Thirty-nine chuckled and then I will never be sure what he would have said because our mutual and ridiculously drunken friend appeared out of nowhere.  While I handled her he wandered away to the rest of his friends, and then we all went our separate ways before I could follow up with him and exchange numbers.

On my bus ride home I remembered that I had gotten his friend's number at the beginning of the night.  I felt comfortable texting this guy about Thirty-nine since he had been hitting on one of my friend's the whole night.  I sent him a message asking him to pass my number on to Thirty-nine, and he replied okay.  He also sent me another text at 2:42am asking if he could crash at my place.  Weird.  Luckily I was asleep and missed that text until the next day.  Unfortunately Thirty-nine hasn't contacted me yet, so if you see a guy with a double braid rat-tail please get his number for me.

Date 37.2

Thirty-seven earned some bonus points by cleaning up hay bales at a church event I organized and sending his roommate to my salon for a haircut, so I told him I owed him a couple of drinks.  We made dinner plans, and I chose a restaurant based on the location and food (soul food home cooking, yes please!).  I bought his drink at the bar while we waited for our table and we admired everything that this restaurant had happening - funky music, great furniture, random 80s dance movies playing on the back wall, and a jazz band (seriously this place won me over in 5 seconds).  When we were seated and got our menus, I started backpedaling in my head about the place because the average meal was $20; seriously if a meal is over $12 I better have leftovers for a couple of meals.

The evening was filled with a balance of easy conversation, which is saying a lot since I tend to take over the talking sometimes. I gave myself a mental high five for avoiding the friend zone when he mentioned that he had gotten out of a 5-year relationship several months ago.  Typically my reaction would have been to ask concerned questions (in my head I was repeating, "Do not ask, do not ask." because a lifetime of romantic books and movies have educated me not to talk about exes on a date, and things always work out in those stories.  I also thought about saying, "I'm the perfect rebound girl because I don't think I'm looking for a relationship" but I decided that wasn't the best response.), but I side-stepped that urge and the conversation transitioned elsewhere. When it was time to pay the bill he insisted on paying and pointed out that I had bought his drink; in my head I was thinking, "Eeesh, this is so expensive!" but I let him pay.  I really am trying to avoid friend zone territory with this guy.

At the end of the evening we parted ways at our respective bus stops, and he asked if he would see me that weekend at Amnesia (the bar where we first met and where mutual friends were DJing), and I told him there was a strong possibility.  We hugged goodbye, and I stepped on the bus feeling great about everything.

Friday came and I decided dancing and flirting at Amnesia were definitely in order, so I invited my friend Raul who lives nearby and is always up for dancing and being my wing man.  Thirty-seven was there surrounded by a swarm of people, some of which I knew.  I made room for myself and Raul and made introductions.  I was having a great night dancing around and not worrying about Thirty-seven.  Don't get me wrong, I would have loved to talk to him the whole night, but it was nice to see him having fun with his friends.  However, when I was ready to go I didn't see him.  Raul took my coat and waited outside and told me to go find him, so I took my coach's orders but couldn't find Thirty-seven in the crowded bar.  Fail.  When I was on the bus I texted him "Hey, you disappeared before I could say goodbye.  I hope the rest of your night is great!" He quickly replied, "Thanks!  You, too!"  So I'm not sure what happened there, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I can make another date happen.

Missed Opportunities & Standards

There have been several times in life when there may have been an open door for me to ask out a guy but I didn't; maybe I was a chicken, maybe my brain just wasn't working, or maybe they opened their mouth and reminded me that I have standards.  Here are a few recent examples from my life.

As I approached the bus stop, the drunk guy on the bench complimented me by saying, "I bet your farts smell nice."  I think I could have won him over completely, but I was tired and chose to ignore him.  Will I regret that decision?  Probably.

At a friend's BBQ I was hitting it off with one of the guys there.  He told me that I was so easy to talk to, and a few minutes later he said that his boyfriend was just going to adore me.  That's always nice to hear, but makes me realize I will have no luck with dating you.

I met an absolutely hilarious guy; talking with him was as good as a pilates class because we laughed so much.  Then the attraction was lost when he disappeared for a bit, and someone mentioned something about drugs.

Hiking in Yosemite my friend and I came upon two guys who were doing some work on the trail.  One of the guys (aka my soulmate) looked up and asked, "Do you like my goggles?" We said yes and then I asked if they were using dynamite to which he replied, "This is the only dynamite we're using...BAM! BAM! BAM!" as he proceeded to jump up and flex all of his muscles with each "BAM!" I'm going to use the excuse of lack of oxygen from the hike because all I could do was swoon with laughter and walk away.  Finally I came to my senses and knew that I would ask that guy to marry me or at least for dinner on the way back, but they were gone by the time we finished our hike.  This example hurts my heart the most.

Thirty-eight

I went out dancing by myself on a Friday night; yeah, I'm that girl.  The evening was filled with a great cast of characters on the dance floor: the girl there by herself smiling and dancing, the dude wearing a leather vest without a shirt who was feeling the music and would sporadically call out "oooooooooooooweeeeee" and was completely unaware of his surroundings, the friendly drunk guy who smelled a tad bit like vomit, the two extremely intoxicated girls one of which was wearing the tiniest strapless dress ever and wanted to dance with everyone, and finally the guy who seemed pretty normal but was also there by himself and would repeatedly come up to me and say things like "you really know how to dance" in a borderline polite/creepy way.  On the outskirts of the main ensemble was Thirty-eight, who was also alone but really seemed to be there for the music and was just minding his own business.

In the beginning he and I would just exchange looks of understanding when one of the other people got a little too close to our personal space.  In reality we probably didn't talk because we were afraid that the other one would be a weirdo.  He eventually broke the ice by saying, "You should try that move," as he demonstrated and pointed to the itty-bitty dress girl repeatedly trying to keep her her chest covered.  Finally two of his friends arrived, and they asked how we knew each other and then we all became dance floor buddies.  When it was time for me to leave, Jolene asked if she could get my number so we can all go out sometime.  I gave it to her and said bye to her and her boyfriend.  Then I turned to tell Thirty-eight bye, and he said he was sad I was leaving.  I told him to cheer up because Jolene had my number and that he should call me so we could go out; he said okay and gave me a hug.

It's been two weeks, and so far I haven't heard from Jolene or Thirty-eight.  Double whammy.

Date 37.1

I need to stop getting to dates early because I think I end up sending out a casual vibe because I go ahead and buy my own drink or I make friends while I wait.  Both of these were the case when  I was a few minutes early for this date; I felt bad sitting at the bar without ordering anything, so I ordered a drink and then started talking to the bartender and the guy next to me.  When Thirty-seven got there we moved to a table, and as a light-weight my one drink lasted me for the next hour which makes me the cheapest date ever since I bought it.  I think the first fifteen minutes had that "first date awkward vibe" happening, but then we got more comfortable and talked the night away.  After I finally finished my drink we walked to another bar that had live jazz, but the band was on break so we grabbed some seats at the bar and kept the conversation going for another hour.  I really, really, really had a good time and think I could like this guy.  

We didn't set up a next date, but he did say that we need to go to a silent disco (side note: my friend had told me about this silent disco that was happening at a music festival and when Thirty-seven and I first met he was going to that festival.  I told him he had to check out the disco for me.  One of the first things he said to me on the date was a thanks for the recommendation, and he proceeded to tell me how amazing it was).  I hope there's one happening sooner than later, but in the meantime I will definitely try to get another date scheduled.  

Main Conclusion: I like this guy.

Other Conclusion: I need to experience a silent disco as soon as possible.

Thirty-seven

The premise of this one might seem like deja vu to Thirty-six, and that's because I met Thirty-seven at the same two events.  Go ahead and say it aloud - flirt whore.  I told my friend that was with me the first night that I couldn't decide where to focus; we did some recon and determined that the two contenders did not know each other, so I could mix up my charm between both.  While Thirty-six was being friendly and having fun, Thirty-seven seemed to know everyone and showed a little bit of interest in me.  When we met he informed me, "I've definitely seen you here before.  You're always in the front dancing nonstop."  Oh yeah, he's noticed me!  When I was heading out he said he hoped to see me again soon.  Obviously that was the point I should have asked him out, but his roommate chose that moment to drag him back in for a drink.  Fail.  Luckily I saw him the next night, too.

Between talking with my friends, meeting new people, and chatting up Thirty-six, I still managed to find time to flirt with Thirty-seven.  My favorite point of the conversation was when I asked him what he was normally doing on a Saturday night and he responded, "Hopefully at Amnesia dancing with you." That's the part where I swooned, and his roommate seriously (seriously!) came up and said their ride was leaving.  His roommate is the worst wingman ever, and I really need to start seizing the date sooner.

Thanks to Facebook, though, we do have a date lined up this week!

Thirty-six

I met Thirty-six two nights in a row, and I still failed at reeling him in.  The first night I was dancing with some friends, and he was there having fun and enjoying life on the dance floor; he oozed genuine enthusiasm.  We started trading silly dance moves like my punching the invisible speed bag (patent pending).  The next night he was at the same event as I was because apparently he goes to my church - bonus points!  We were both mingling with various people, but when I saw his shaggy hair, beard, and chunky glasses I promptly made my way over to him to say hi.  We had been talking for ten minutes or so when we were all pulled together for toasts.  After that we were separated for the rest of the evening, and he left before I asked him on a date.

Luckily we found out we had a few mutual friends from church, so I sent him a message on Facebook (seriously, what did I do before this Fb messaging was an option?) and told him I'd love to go out sometime.  He politely responded that the next few weeks were crazy busy for him with work, a close friend visiting (Close friend?  Is that his way of saying he's taken?), and traveling to visit his family in Alabama.  However, he did say that he hoped to see me out dancing next time to learn some more moves.  I guess that's something, and I'll just have to keep dancing.

Date 5.1

Let's review: The lady who runs the daycare my niece attends gave me Five's contact information several months ago because she likes to play matchmaker.  I emailed Five, he called me and we had a confusing conversation about how I got his information.  In the end he said he'd be up for meeting me but that he was going to Hawaii for a week and would call me when he returned.

Fast forward to a text exchange a month ago:
5: Hi Penelope.  Our connection was Evelina and we spoke briefly several months ago.  I misplaced your # but recently found it.  Anyhow, are you still in SF? - Five
Me: (after trying to remember who this guy was) Hi, yes I'm still in SF. (Brief, I know, but I was so caught off guard I wasn't sure how I wanted to proceed.)
5: Thanks for getting back to me.  I will give you a call this weekend. I was at the ER with my sick dog last night and didn't get to bed until 4 am :( Talk soon.

After a few weeks of trying to coordinate our schedules we met after work last night.  I've never been on a blind date, but I will tell you that I'm glad I like to read otherwise I would have been completely nervous every time the door opened.  We were supposed to meet at 7:00, but then Five texted me that he would be 20 minutes late (boooooo).  I was engrossed in my book when he finally arrived (30 minutes late) and introduced himself.  He seems like a nice guy, is responsible and has had the same job for 14 years, and he wasn't drunk (all great qualities).  He's a few years older than me, which is something new and strange.  Unfortunately, the evening felt awkward and forced.  I realized that first dates (especially blind dates) aren't known for being relaxing, but I just didn't enjoy myself.  In the end I thanked him for meeting me, and he said the same and then added that hopefully we can meet up another time.  I'm definitely not initiating it, but in true Penelope fashion if he asks me out I'll probably give him a second chance.

Thirty-five

I struck up a conversation with Thirty-five when his friend left him standing next to my group while we were out listening to a loud band; I’m sure I was making the best impression as I jumped around singing Ramones songs at the top of my lungs.  During the band’s break, I learned that Thirty-five had just moved to the Bay Area from Canada, makes video games, rides his bike to work, and enjoys karaoke.  I honestly don’t remember what all we talked about, but by the time his friend reappeared we had hit it off.  He fit right in with my friends, especially when he offered to buy them a round of drinks.  We continued to talk until the band started playing and I commenced acting like a fool again. 

When the band finally finished, Thirty-five was still there seemingly happy to talk to me.  I decided this was a good sign, so I asked him on a scale of 1-10 how drunk he was to which he replied 4.  “I have an idea.  I’m going to give you my number and if tomorrow you remember me I want you to call me and we’ll make plans to go out.”  He agreed to this, and to prove that he would remember me he said, “Penelope, from Indiana, loves karaoke, doesn’t drink much.”  After having some more deep conversations about things like how he tries very hard not to say “eh” too much, I finally told him good night.  Within an hour he texted me “Thirty-five (from Toronto)…6.5 and climbing.”  I had a great feeling about this one. 

Apparently my feelings aren't always right.

A few days later I texted Thirty-five and told him we should do something soon.

35: Hey, yeah, I had fun the other night.  Hope I wasn't too obnoxious, eh.  Let me know next time you're heading out.

Me: I'm actually going out tomorrow night.

No response.  Really?  Don't encourage me and then just drop the ball.  You know I'm all about 2nd and 3rd chances, so I tried again the following week.

Me: Plans this evening?

35: Ya I'm painting my new apartment in Berkeley.

Me: Good news!  I'm actually heading to the East Bay.  Do you want to take a break for a drink or maybe meet up with me later and show my friends your dance moves.

35: Gonna pass. Once I finish here I'm going to head to work for a while.

Strike two.

I tried one last time two weeks later and invited him out, but I didn't get any response.  

Obvious conclusion: Thirty-five was in the witness protection program and his handlers were getting nervous about the attention I was giving him.

Thirty-four

I met Thirty-four when I was in Nashville.  He was with a group of guys that I declared as my new friends, and I found out he lives in SF, too.  I told him that it was obviously kismet that we met and that we should exchange numbers.  He asked if I had any friends in the Marina (which is a SF neighborhood with the stereotype of inhabitants being obnoxious fraternity and sorority people along with snobbish rich people), I said no but that I’m always looking for new friends no matter where they live.  After a minute of hesitation he gave me his number, and I told him it was his best decision of the weekend.  As fate would have it the next day he and his friends ended up at the same place I was having lunch, so I told him all the signs were in our favor.

A few days after I returned to SF, I called Thirty-four and left him a voicemail: “Hey there, it’s Penelope from Nashville.  I wanted to know if you were available this week to do something.  Maybe we could get some ice cream or pizza or watch a baseball game…unless you hate dairy products and baseball in which case we can do something else.  Okay, call me and let me know.”  Amazingly, I didn't hear back.  However, I'm a realist and know that some people never check their voicemails, so the following week I sent him a text inviting him out.  Still nothing, but I gave it one more shot and a couple weeks later texted him with another invitation.  Unresponsive.  I mentioned it to one of his buddies on Facebook who responded, "He's a tough nut to crack, but stick with it."  Rather than take the advice of the friend, I'm calling it quits because I'm not in the mood for a restraining order.

Thirty-three

Dear single people, here is a simple equation to keep in mind: procrastination + excuses = fail.  For example, I was recently in Ireland for ten days and kept putting off asking someone out until almost the last night.  The excuses I used were "I have 9 (then 8, then 7, then 6...) more days." "I'm only in Dublin for two days, I'll wait until I get to Adare." "I don't to get see these people very often, and I don't want to waste my time on a date." "My parents are standing right next to me."  I'm pretty sure that last one is a very valid excuse, though.  My point is, seize the day!  If that day doesn't exist, create it and then seize it!

I was in Ireland for the wedding of two friends.  The couple had a band play at their reception and asked me if I would sing a song with the band.  I told them that I would and hoped that I wouldn't botch up "Walking on Sunshine."  The guy in the band that accompanied me fit some of my important, superficial standards: young, attractive, longer hair, and in a band.  Since I only had one day left he seemed like the most viable option, so when the band was packing up I made my move.  I thanked thirty-three (or better known in Ireland as turty-tree) for helping me out with my song and then made a joke about when the next band practice was and if I needed to be there.  Then I asked if he lived nearby and would be around to go for a drink the next night.  In a charming Irish accent (every man sounds more charming if there's an accent involved, right?) he told me that he lived in the next town over but that he wasn't available to meet me.  Lesson learned: when I procrastinate, I end up asking out a guy that has fingernails longer than mine (maybe he uses them as guitar picks, but they still creeped me out) and run out of time to go on a date with any Irishman.

For the record, earlier in the day I had my sights on a guy.  Then I found out he was the priest.  True story.  In my defense when I first saw him he was wearing a track suit; attractive, charming priests should always be required to wear their collar or some visible identification.

Thirty-two

I could tell Thirty-two was trying to be his buddy’s wingman for a girl standing near me, so I decided to help out, too.  After a successful team effort with that, Thirty-two twirled me, I twirled him, and we started talking.  He was wearing a grey sweater with a red and white gingham checked shirt underneath and humorously asked me if it was okay to wear gingham.  I advised him, “This is San Francisco, so anything goes.  However, gingham is always okay when going to or from a picnic.  The real question is do you own anything that could be considered a man purse?”  He said the closest thing he had would be a laptop bag.  At some point during our conversation I asked him if the hokey pokey or the hand jive were in his top five favorite dances, to which he asked, “What’s the hand jive?”  “Really?!  How many times have you seen Grease?” “Uh, none.  I’m a man.” “That’s preposterous, what kind of man are you?”  Then I proceeded to teach him the hand jive.

A while later we realized his friends had deserted him, but we continued to talk until it was time for me to go catch my bus.  As I got ready to leave I asked him, “If we were to consider this our first date, when are we going on our second date?”  Thirty-two vaguely replied, “Oh, you. I’ll see you here next time.”  “Fair enough.  Until next time then.”  You would think that after talking for almost an hour I would have been irritated at his response, but I actually appreciate it because I've said something similar to that when I wasn't interested in someone.  The good thing is, I don't have to wait around and wonder if he's going to call.  Next, please.

Thirty-one

I was at a wine bar where there were three guys taking turns spinning Motown tunes.  Thirty-one was one of them, and I could not stop watching him.  Honestly, if I saw his picture I wouldn't have thought twice about him; not that he was unattractive, but I just wouldn't do a double-take.  However, as a DJ he had style.  The dude was in his own world dancing and having the time of his life with his hair flopping all over the place and his nerdy glasses constantly sliding down his nose.  Anyone who walked in and saw him couldn't help but smile and be inspired to dance.

One of the other DJs and I had met before, so when Thirty-one took a break Nick pulled us together to introduce us and said, "You both have sweet moves so I thought you should meet."  Five wingman points to Nick!  Unfortunately a few of Thirty-one's friends walked up then, and we got separated.  I had plans to meet friends elsewhere, so I quickly jotted down my information on a napkin and waited for the perfect moment to woo him.  My friend Rob was my lookout and as we danced he kept an eye out for when Thirty-one was free from others.  When Rob told me to go I walked up to Thirty-one and told him, "I'm heading out, but I think you're energy is fantastic.  You should definitely call me."  Then he awkwardly tried to put his arm around my waist (I say awkwardly because it seemed physically impossible for him to stop dancing - to which I can totally relate) and asked where I was going.  I replied that I had plans to meet friends, and he seriously tapped my nose with his finger and said, "Boooo."  I laughed and walked away wondering if this guy was totally spastic, drunk, a ball full of energy, or a combination of the three.  Either way, I'm intrigued and am keeping my fingers crossed that he'll be my dance partner.

30.1

I waited a whole five days to contact Thirty, and that is a huge accomplishment for me!  I sent him a message asking if he wanted to meet up for frozen yogurt, and he said yes.  I was feeling really good about this one while I waited for him, and then he showed up carrying a man purse.  Okay, I'll give him some credit and tell you it was a leather satchel, but still.  Here are the three strikes I mentally gave him for this accessory: (1) It's a man purse; (2) He didn't need it - he walked a whole six blocks from his apartment and went straight back there.  (3) I didn't even bring my purse.  Once I stopped myself from laughing out loud and judging him, though, I had a decent time.

After he paid for our yogurt, we decided to take advantage of the nice night and walk around the neighborhood.  Even though I didn't notice any sparks or major connections between us, I discovered that we both like to travel.  When he told me he was planning a trip to South America, I decided to share two of my favorite Spanish phrases with him.  Tengo tremendo culo (I have a great butt) is my go-to Spanish phrase, but he didn't think he would use that one too often.  The other phrase I like means "Why are you so ghetto?" but I drew a complete blank on how to say it.  I told him I would let him know whenever I remembered how to say it.  I honestly don't know what else we talked about, but there was a constant stream of conversation because I was in full-on ramble mode.

Finally he stopped in front of his building, so I thanked him for the yogurt and for meeting me.  Then in true Penelope style as I'm thanking him and saying bye I simultaneously jump giddily, slap him on the arm, and exclaim, "Que naco eres?  That's how you say 'Why are you so ghetto?'"  Thirty had the perfectly combined expression of entertained, confused, and terrified.  We started laughing and said good night.  In spite of my rambling conversation skills and random Spanish phrases he did tell me to let him know next time I was dogsitting in the neighborhood.  I'm going to label this one as a new friend.

Moral of the story: he carried a man purse.

Thirty

Thirty is a friend of a friend, and he comes into the salon regularly for haircuts.  Other than his visits there, I only see him every few months at social gatherings; however, when we see each other we casually banter back and forth about nothing of major importance.  I'm not sure how old Thirty is, but he gets bonus points for definitely being older than 23.  I can tell you that he's about 30% sparkly eyes and dimples, 40% charming, 15% player, and 15% arrogant.  For the time being, I have decided the twinkle in his eyes totally outweighs the player and arrogance portions.

He recently came to the salon for an event we had, and during our conversation we discovered that he lives a couple of blocks from where I dogsit.  This information obviously led me into telling him that we should do something, and I suggested an ice cream place in the neighborhood.  He exclaimed (seriously, he was enthusiastic about it), "Yes, I love that place! Let's exchange digits!"  Numbers were successfully traded, and now I will be patient before I text him (because, let's be honest, I'm always the first one to text)...luckily my work schedule has exploded, so I have less free time to be tempted to text (maybe I'll even seem mysterious, ha!).

Big Pimpin' in Nashville

Nashville is good for my self-esteem because I tend to have major game in this particular city.  I'll admit that my luck is partly due to the fact that the people I meet there are from out of town, have consumed a few adult beverages, and are ready to have some fun.  Regardless of the reason I hit it off with these people, I cherish the experiences!  In addition to dancing the night away with some of my favorite Hoosiers on this trip, I also made some new friends AND was the recipient of a few kisses.

Kiss 1: A guy was walking by me with his hand in the air for a high five to his friend, so I put my hand up for a five as well.  The guy (we'll call him Carlton because he was a horrible dancer) grabbed my hand and started dancing with me.  Without ever exchanging a single word, Carlton kissed me at the end of the song.  Great.  He also kept his arm around my waist to dance with me for the next two songs.  This wouldn't have been so bad except for the fact that he truly had no rhythm whatsoever.  I spoke the first words between us after three songs of awkward, off-beat dancing and thanked Carlton for the dances and told him to have a good night.

Kiss 2: We'll call this guy Rico because he was suave.  He and his friend started talking to Sarah and me, and at some point a reference was made about me being able to speak Spanish (for the record, I speak very little Spanish).  Rico asked me to tell him my number in Spanish because he wanted to call me the next day to meet up, so I gave him my numero de telefono en Espanol.  As we said goodbye, he pointed to his cheek and said, "Un beso." I leaned in to give him the requested kiss on the cheek, but he turned at the last second for a real kiss on the mouth.  Smooth operator.  Sadly, he never called me (or there's always the chance that I gave him the wrong number...I probably should have said the numbers in English).

Kiss 3: The band stopped playing just as I found the perfect spot to dance, so I told the guy next to me that I really needed them to play one more song because his group of friends and my friends clearly wanted to dance.  He asked me how I knew that, and I replied in a matter of fact tone that I was psychic.  "For example, that's your brother," I told him and pointed at a guy nearby (spoiler: I'm not really psychic, I just have better observation and hearing skills as a sober person among a group of drunk people).  He was impressed and asked me what else I knew.  While we were having this conversation I noticed one of his friends (we'll call him New York because that's where he lives) look over and point at me, so I said, "I also know that your friend over there wants to kiss me."  He beckoned New York over, said something to him, and New York gave me a kiss.  One of his friends walking up right then said, "Oh, come on, my parents kiss better than that."  This led to my friends on one side of us encouraging us to kiss and his friends on the other side agreeing.  Next thing I know he's dipped me and gives me a huge kiss.  There may or may not be footage of this event somewhere in the world.

Conclusion: I love Nashville because I always have fun and I feel pretty, oh so pretty when I'm there.

Update: 20-29

While my odds are improving, I feel like my theme song should be "Call Me Maybe."  Seriously, the chorus is "Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number, so call me maybe?"  Classic example of life imitating art or vice versa.  Maybe I should just go up to the next guy and play the song for him and hand him my number (I actually kind of love this idea, so stay tuned).

In case you've lost track, here's where I stand with 20-29.
23 was a tourist that was leaving out town; I changed my mind about 25 as soon as I asked him out and walked away before getting an answer; I never heard from 22, 27, 28, or 29

20 - We went on one date, which I think went well.  We see each other at church and have hung out in group settings, but that's all.  He definitely isn't interested in being more than friends, so I guess I have a new friend.

21- I pursued this guy relentlessly for no other reason except that I refused to admit defeat.  We finally went out once, and then I invited him to do something a second time and he said he'd let me know.  The day of the proposed meet-up, I asked him if we were on...he said he thought it was the next day, and that it wasn't going to work for him anyway.  I moved on from him.  Negative points for flakiness and me doing all the chasing.  Double negative points because he lives in Berkeley, which I consider to be long distance.

Reverse - I went out with him three times for some unknown reason.  He was always a gentleman, but we had very little to talk about.  As far as I know he has moved to Portland because I haven't seen him or heard from him since he came to the salon for a haircut I arranged for him (the haircut, by the way, ended up being pretty much identical to mine - which I find hilarious).

24 - Even though I knew 24 and I wouldn't make it long term, I was excited about hanging out with him.  However, after the third date he basically said he didn't have time to invest in something short-term.  Since I like to be friends with everyone I invited him out a couple weeks later when I was in his neighborhood by sending him a text, "I'm out in your neighborhood.  You should come by if you need a drink after work." His response was, "Let's be real.  There are million guys out there who want to be with you.  Give one of them a chance.  I'm not him." Thanks and ouch, buddy.  I kind of wanted to send him a vicious text back, but I kept it mild, "Yeah, you made that clear.  I just have a habit of trying to be friends with everyone."  Then I promptly deleted him from my phone.  I know I'll eventually see him around and I'll still try to be friendly, though.

26 - I've gone out with him twice, but I'm going to let this one fall through the cracks because (a) our schedules don't coincide and (b) his three invitations have been for me to come over and cuddle and stay the night.  Maybe I'm being harsh, but really?  Those are your only ideas?  Also, maybe I'm stereotyping all guys here, but I don't think he means "cuddle" when he says "cuddle."

There you have it, I have gone on more dates in this set of guys than I have in my entire life.  Exciting!

Twenty-nine

First of all, if you ever have the chance to go Bhangra dancing, DO IT!  Second of all, while I was practicing my sweet Bollywood moves, a guy stopped near me to search the crowd.  I leaned over and told him, "The people in charge said you need to be on stage in five minutes."  He went along with my lie and replied, "I told them I wasn't performing tonight but thanks."  We laughed, I continued dancing, and he proceeded to search the crowd and finally wandered off.

Never fear, he eventually made it back to the space I had claimed as my personal dance floor.  I never decided if he actually had friends there or not, but he was definitely dancing and enjoying the scene.  It's rare to find a (straight) guy that's just dancing to dance, but it was happening.  We were both in our element, so before I left I gave him my number and said, "We should go out dancing together.  Call me."  I think that's the simplest I've ever been.  We'll see if it works.

Twenty-eight

I went out dancing for the first time in over a month (which is just a sad, sad record for me).  It felt so great to be spinning around on the dance floor, but before I let the music take over my body I met Twenty-eight.  He and his friend were standing near me, so obviously I needed to talk to them.  I began with, “Hey guys, sorry to bother you, but I surveyed the people here that aren’t dancing, and they said they won’t start until you guys hit the dance floor.”  Twenty-eight promptly replied that they weren’t prepared to go on until 11.  Banter initiated, we chatted back and forth until my feet insisted on taking me to the dance floor.  I made sure to check in with them during my time-outs for water, and Twenty-eight and I briefly danced while he waited in line.

However, later he disappeared and his friend said he’s like a ghost and always sneaks away without saying goodbye.  I told him, “Well that’s just unacceptable. How am I supposed to ask him out if he left.  Let’s send him a message.”  So the friend saved my number, sent it to Twenty-eight with the note, “You forgot to get my number before you vanished.  Call me and take me out on a date.”  The next day I was excited to get a call from a random number, but it ended up being a telemarketer.  Stupid telemarketers.

24.3 & Possible Conclusion

I haven’t really talked to or seen much of Twenty-four in about a month.  After our second date things seemed to fizzle…I asked him out a couple more times, but he was always busy.  Since he didn’t ask for a raincheck or ask me out in return I decided he must be over it.  Then I saw him at the café, and we chatted about his upcoming vacation; things seemed fine, and I thought, “Ok, friend zone it is.”  He left for a few weeks, but when I finally saw him across the street again I welcomed him back and he gave me a hug and told me about his time away.

I decided I wanted to give it one more go, and see if there was anything there.  So I sent him a message to see if he wanted to go for a neighborly stroll or grab a bite to eat in the next few days.  I figured if he said no, then ok nothing else is happening here; if he said yes, I’d see if we were in the friend zone or more.  He replied that he was done with work after 10:30 and asked if we could just get carry out and a movie.  By the time he made it over it was almost midnight.  Now I know in most people’s mind that basically equals booty call, however, I don’t generally fit into the category of most people.  I totally wasn’t thinking booty call – I really just wanted to watch 21 Jump Street. We sat a respectable distance from each other and enjoyed the movie, but as soon as the movie ended Twenty-four leaned over and finally gave me a proper kiss.  Of course, we made out, but I was sure to tell him that I was not going to have sex with him.  He said that was fine with him because sex just complicates things.  In the end it turns out, he thinks I am complicated.  Post make out conversation…

24: So what was your plan tonight? What did you think was going to happen?

Me: I didn’t know if you were still interested in me because we hadn’t done anything in a while, so I figured we’d watch a movie and either officially be friends or maybe make out.  I definitely wasn’t thinking booty call.  No offense.

24: Of course we haven't done anything, I haven't been in town.  But I didn’t know what to think since you were telling me to come over so late.

Me: I wanted to hang out with you, and that’s what time you were off work.  I didn’t think anything about it.

24: I just don’t know what to think about you.  You’re so aloof all of the time.

Me: It’s simple – I think you’re a nice guy, but I’m not looking for a relationship.  Plus you’re planning on leaving and traveling for a while.

24: Yeah, but that’s not until March.

Me: So we can have at least three more make out sessions before then. 

24: See.  That’s what I’m talking about.  You’re never serious.

Me: I’m not trying to be complicated.  If you want to be friends, that’s fine.  But we could also be those people who hang out casually and make out now and then.

24: No, this is probably the last time for that.

Me: Really?  That stinks.  Well, I had fun.

He just laughed and shook his head, then we slowly transitioned back to a normal conversation, and when he left he kissed me goodbye.  Apparently what I consider simple is too complicated for Twenty-four. 

Date 26.2

23...he’s 23.  I swear I’m not trying to be a cougar, but apparently 23-year old guys are the only ones that are picking up on my pheromones.  Also, like the others his age, he’s really charming.  I do not remember 23-year olds being this sweet when I was that age.

Twenty-six had to cancel our dinner date, but he wanted a rain check.  Two nights later he said he wanted to see me and asked what I was doing.  I told him I had a little free time before I needed to babysit my niece and then later see some friends.  We decided to meet up, walk around the neighborhood, and get gelato.  First thing he said was that he really just wanted to spend more time with me, so he asked if it would be all right if he hung out with me while I watched my niece.  When I said yes, he said, “But I might not go to your friend’s house with you if that's okay.” I politely told him that I had not expected him to go (as sweet as he is, I really just wanted to be with my friends and not worry about him).  As we strolled around he asked me how old I was, and I replied “Probably many, many moons older than you.”  When he asked again I told him 33, to which he replied, “That’s hot.” I questioned him, “Really, why's that?”  “Yeah.  You’re ten years older than me.” At which point I just laughed at myself and said, “Of course I am.”

He hung out with Gabby and me until my sister got home, and then he and I went to his place.  At some point earlier in the evening I had mentioned that I'm a church-goer, and he brought that up and wanted to know about my religious beliefs.  He asked me questions, and we had a lengthy conversation about religion.  A few minutes after the conversation ended, he nonchalantly asked, “Do you want to make out now?” I had to laugh at that and just said, “Religious conversation – check.  Begin make-out session.”  Later he asked me if I wanted to stay the night and just cuddle, but I politely and maturely said no (although I kind of wanted to).  I have no idea what will happen next with this guy, but I like that he’s nice and we both say what’s on our minds no matter how ridiculously random it is.

Date 26.1

When I met Twenty-six he mentioned a café in the neighborhood that I should try, and a couple of weeks later I went in and voila there he was because he works there part-time.  We talked for a bit, and then I left to pick up my niece and forgot (or chickened out) to get his number.  Idiot.  Like a hot chocolate addict, I went back the following week determined to stay focused.  Victory!  I asked him if he wanted to get dinner, he said yes, and we exchanged numbers.

I sent him a message a few days later to set up dinner plans, and we agreed on Thursday.  He also said that he was free for drinks on Monday, but I already had plans.  My plans ended earlier than expected, though, so I texted him to see if he still wanted to meet for drinks.  An hour later we were at a pub sitting at a table attempting to figure out how to play Backgammon.  We made an additional rule to the game that every time we rolled an even number we had to tell something interesting about ourselves, and every time we rolled an odd we had to tell something bad that we’ve done.  It was great!  Then we went to another pub where I told him that I’m blasian and demonstrated the Roger Rabbit for him.  After that pub we sat on a bench in his back yard and talked some more, and during a pause he asked, “May I kiss you?”  I definitely said yes, and we definitely made out for probably the next fifteen minutes.  Dreamy. 

When I got home he texted me, “I hope I wasn’t too brash.  I had a good time and look forward to Thursday!”  Hooray!

Twenty-seven

I had my eye on a guy (probably because he resembled Dean, the drummer, from Red Wanting Blue) sitting with his friends nearby.  He was intently watching a basketball game, and I’m wise enough not to interrupt that.  My friends and I left to get food next door, and then after a few minutes I decided Twenty-seven needed to have my phone number.  In true Penelope fashion, I wrote him a note: In case you want to go dancing at Madrone tonight or for dinner sometime soon, you should call me.  I walked back into the bar and up to him and said, “Hi, I’m going to be awkward for a minute.  On the off chance that you’re single, here is my number.  You should call me.”  I handed him the note, he (as most of the others) looked a like a deer caught in headlights and managed to reply, “Okay” before I walked away. 

After I told my friend of this latest attempt, she insisted that she is going to take me out and show me how to properly ask out a guy.  For the record, I know how it is supposed to be done, but I’ve never been one for doing things in a typical fashion.

Online Game

Kudos to people who find their match through online dating; I see nothing wrong with this way of meeting people, but I seriously have no game whatsoever with this business.  I apparently either need to make some changes to my profile or my tactics, but I’m sure I won’t do either.  Here is a smattering of messages I’ve sent to different guys in the past few months; I haven’t heard back from any of them.

Falstaf1 stated in his profile, I once lived in Bulgaria, in the sunny seaside town of Varna, taming and training small brown bears to dance to the tantalizing tune of a lute, eating fire and perfecting my skills as a cut-purse. Ok, so only part of this is actually true. I was intrigued and sent him a message: I'm hooked - I need to know how much and which bits of your Bulgaria tale are true. Either way, I'm slightly jealous of all your international experiences; they put mine to shame.

To Pronsato who had a highly entertaining profile I messaged I would like to award you 5 gold stars (unofficially, though, because 1. I don't have any at the moment and 2. I have no star-giving authority) for your entertaining profile. Well done.

OK Cupid suggested that Helloguest and I would be a good match, so after looking at his profile I sent him this message:

1. The Quiver people have chosen and think we're a match.

2. All I can hear is Yoda's voice now.

3. Let me know if you need help visiting the 100 places to eat in SF. Especially if pancakes are involved because I have a major hankering for some good pancakes right now.

Bapssty is another match for me according to OK Cupid, so I made the first move. Surprise! I meet some of your criteria: I walk all of the time, AND I enjoy fun. Amazing. If that doesn't sell you on me, Cupid here thinks we'd be okay as a match or friends. What do you think?

To Kellyisaboysname who said he wishes he went bowling more I simply wrote to him, I vote that we go bowling. I'm pretty horrendous at it, which means you will win and probably be entertained by the techniques I use.

Waiting4godot is fairly new to the city and wants to explore it, learn a language, the guitar, or to dance.  I tried to open the door with I don't think we're mortal enemies because we seem to have quite a bit in common; on the other hand, maybe we have too much in common and will be competitive and then become rivals. I can't teach you how to play the guitar or another language, but I make a great dance partner. I'm always up for exploring the city and discovering new places. Let me know if you want company on your next SF adventure.

Who is Penelope?

I asked two of my friends to describe me for those of you that might know me very well.  For the record, I didn't ask them to do this in order to boost my ego; rather because I thought it would be more entertaining to get a friend's perspective.  Especially these two friends because we had discussions about relationships during our lunch breaks on a regular basis.  The first description is from Andrew, who once told me, “You’ll definitely find your fish one day, you just have a smaller pool to choose from.”  Honest and accurate.  Here is what Andrew has to say.

I am not here to describe a person that I knew for several years during our hard time in Indiana. No. In fact, I am going to merely try to recall and describe our randomnicity of events which unfolded here in Indianapolis several years ago.

One of the first times I met Penelope was while we both worked at the Department of Education during a lunchtime function. We had a Health specialist that was all about being healthy (imagine that!) and decided to set us state employees up with a little thing called Wii Olympics. As amazing as it was to see the dorkiest old people in the world Wii Boxing and then later arguing results, I was more enthralled by the girl that I did not know who refused to exit the Wii Dance Revolution game thingy. “Penelope, it’s someone else’s turn.” I was semi-embarrassed for this poor girl. Yet, as she strangely continued moving her hips to the sound of techno music in front of hordes of the most un-hip people ever, it was at this moment I realized I had a new friend.

Cut to Trivia Night at the Elbow Room some months later. Penelope has a knack at getting the most random people together for social events. This was one of those times. Penelope, in fact, got so many people to attend that we had to split our team up in two. Penelope and our group of friends and their siblings took to one team. This guy? Well, I got to play with two of Department of Education higher-ups, one of which called himself “one of the Bob’s from Office Space” because that’s what his job entails (not a good thing, buddy). As I begin to lose consciousness while my friend is describing how to convert grams to kilos (by referencing his inherent drug weighing knowledge from his college years) I realized at that time that this was a truly memorable evening – for many reasons. And yet, none of this was possible without our group social leader – Penelope.

Why do I mention the two specific stories above? I don’t know. But, what I do know is that I could go on and on about the many ridiculous, blazing-hot/freezing-cold-Indiana-night memories that happened in my life that directly involve Penelope. But, I will choose not to bore you anymore.

Instead, I will mention the common denominator of all of these events and that is this: Penelope is a great and wonderful, fun-loving lady (not of the night). She wears wild colors in her hair (remember, I live in Indiana) and she has a belt made of picture frames (I cannot make this up). She is a karaoke maniac that requires a sound system, dance floor, and an audience. She is not typical. If you are looking for typical, dude, stop reading this now and go find a GAP girl because you are in for a world of hurt. Penelope is unique (New York?). She is always up for an impromptu dance-off. And although I am a married man, I oftentimes found myself reciting quotes from old black and white movies just to see if they’d work on her. She is an unfound treasure chest, filled with rainbows and laser beams (the good kind).

As I continue to write, I see why she asked me to say a few words about her – she didn’t want to sound like a crazy person. Well, Penelope, I may have still accomplished that fact. So, I’m sorry.

But hey, at least it wasn’t you saying it. If by some happenchance you are still reading what could be the most wildly improper and semi-inaccurate biography ever, I would like to mention this: one of her nicknames here in Indiana was “The Kissing Whore.” So…have at her boys!!!!

(For anyone who’s wondering, we did in fact get the grams to kilos question incorrect).

The second description is from Nicole; when I asked her to do this she said, “I don’t think you can be described” and that I should just say “I asked a friend to describe me, but she says it’s impossible – you have to get to know me.” Nicole sums me up like this:

Hi, my name is ... a secret for right now ... but you can call me Penelope.   Yes, that's my so-called "bar name."  No, you cannot buy me a drink.  I'm actually this much fun when I'm sober, which I always am, both fun and sober.  

I'm a native of the Midwest though I've also spent some time as a Peace Corps volunteer in Namibia and now reside in the best city in the world, San Francisco.  Prior to my stint in Shiloh Jolie-Pitt's birthland, I changed the lives of the youth of America, one novel at a time (I was a middle school English teacher).  And for the record, Namibia deserves recognition for far more than being the vacation place of the Jolie-Pitt family, and I have pictures and stories to prove it. 

If you're looking for me, you can find me taking public transportation, walking a pitbull (not my own, though they're actually a wonderful breed), playing with my fantastic niece, challenging hipsters to a dance off, or scheduling appointments at the salon where I work.  I'm a hugger, an 80's expert, and a Mountain Dew drinker.  I change my hair color and style often, found my identify at Police Camp, and I'm asking a guy out every week for a year, just for the fun of it. 

There you have it, folks.  Some insight to my personality from real people.  

Twenty-six

I was reading a book on the bus the other day when I heard somebody say “Nice beanie.”  I looked up and saw this guy point at my neon pink hat and then point at his red matching one.  I told him thanks and said too bad his didn’t look as awesome as mine probably did under a black light (I have no idea why I say some things). He laughed and started talking to his friend, and I continued reading my book.  A few minutes had gone by when he asked, “Do you like ice cream?”  I realized he was talking to me and replied, “Yeah.  I do.” After a slight pause this was our exchange:

Me: Are we going to get some?

26: Do you want to?

Me: I’m always up for ice cream.

26: We (indicating his friend) have some at our place.

Me: Um, that’s kind of sketchy.

26: I guess it is.  I mean we can be trusted, but maybe you can't.  What neighborhood are you heading to?

Me: Inner Sunset

26: Us, too.  Do you know of an ice cream place there?

Me: Yep, Holy Gelato at 9^th & Judah.

26: Ok, then, Holy Gelato it is.

Then I went back to reading, and he and his friend continued talking.  Please note that this exchange took place on a bus with a random girl sitting between us (she was either annoyed or entertained, I couldn’t tell).  Twenty-six, his friend, and I got out a few stops later and properly introduced ourselves at the intersection.  When we walked into Holy Gelato, Twenty-six immediately told the girl working that ours were all together.  The three of us got our treats and shared random conversation (also Twenty-six had me try his flavors, which seemed slightly intimate considering we just met seven minutes earlier; luckily, I’m all for being forward).  I asked an ice-breaker question – “If you only had one karaoke song you could ever sing, what would it be?”  Twenty-six thought about it and said, “This is probably going to sound pretty douchey, but I’d choose ‘Bohemian Rhapsody.’” I professed my love for Queen to him and told him in my mind that was not the least bit douchey.  The guys asked where I go for karaoke, and I told them where and that I was actually going in two days.  They said it sounded like fun and that they would try to meet me there.  We finished our gelato and said goodbye.  Like an idiot I didn’t get his number, and I didn’t see either of them at karaoke.  Maybe I’ll run into him in the neighborhood again.  Either way, I loved the complete randomness of the situation.  It just goes to show that talking to strangers isn’t always a bad thing – sometimes you might get free gelato.