Who is Penelope?

I asked two of my friends to describe me for those of you that might know me very well.  For the record, I didn't ask them to do this in order to boost my ego; rather because I thought it would be more entertaining to get a friend's perspective.  Especially these two friends because we had discussions about relationships during our lunch breaks on a regular basis.  The first description is from Andrew, who once told me, “You’ll definitely find your fish one day, you just have a smaller pool to choose from.”  Honest and accurate.  Here is what Andrew has to say.

I am not here to describe a person that I knew for several years during our hard time in Indiana. No. In fact, I am going to merely try to recall and describe our randomnicity of events which unfolded here in Indianapolis several years ago.

One of the first times I met Penelope was while we both worked at the Department of Education during a lunchtime function. We had a Health specialist that was all about being healthy (imagine that!) and decided to set us state employees up with a little thing called Wii Olympics. As amazing as it was to see the dorkiest old people in the world Wii Boxing and then later arguing results, I was more enthralled by the girl that I did not know who refused to exit the Wii Dance Revolution game thingy. “Penelope, it’s someone else’s turn.” I was semi-embarrassed for this poor girl. Yet, as she strangely continued moving her hips to the sound of techno music in front of hordes of the most un-hip people ever, it was at this moment I realized I had a new friend.

Cut to Trivia Night at the Elbow Room some months later. Penelope has a knack at getting the most random people together for social events. This was one of those times. Penelope, in fact, got so many people to attend that we had to split our team up in two. Penelope and our group of friends and their siblings took to one team. This guy? Well, I got to play with two of Department of Education higher-ups, one of which called himself “one of the Bob’s from Office Space” because that’s what his job entails (not a good thing, buddy). As I begin to lose consciousness while my friend is describing how to convert grams to kilos (by referencing his inherent drug weighing knowledge from his college years) I realized at that time that this was a truly memorable evening – for many reasons. And yet, none of this was possible without our group social leader – Penelope.

Why do I mention the two specific stories above? I don’t know. But, what I do know is that I could go on and on about the many ridiculous, blazing-hot/freezing-cold-Indiana-night memories that happened in my life that directly involve Penelope. But, I will choose not to bore you anymore.

Instead, I will mention the common denominator of all of these events and that is this: Penelope is a great and wonderful, fun-loving lady (not of the night). She wears wild colors in her hair (remember, I live in Indiana) and she has a belt made of picture frames (I cannot make this up). She is a karaoke maniac that requires a sound system, dance floor, and an audience. She is not typical. If you are looking for typical, dude, stop reading this now and go find a GAP girl because you are in for a world of hurt. Penelope is unique (New York?). She is always up for an impromptu dance-off. And although I am a married man, I oftentimes found myself reciting quotes from old black and white movies just to see if they’d work on her. She is an unfound treasure chest, filled with rainbows and laser beams (the good kind).

As I continue to write, I see why she asked me to say a few words about her – she didn’t want to sound like a crazy person. Well, Penelope, I may have still accomplished that fact. So, I’m sorry.

But hey, at least it wasn’t you saying it. If by some happenchance you are still reading what could be the most wildly improper and semi-inaccurate biography ever, I would like to mention this: one of her nicknames here in Indiana was “The Kissing Whore.” So…have at her boys!!!!

(For anyone who’s wondering, we did in fact get the grams to kilos question incorrect).

The second description is from Nicole; when I asked her to do this she said, “I don’t think you can be described” and that I should just say “I asked a friend to describe me, but she says it’s impossible – you have to get to know me.” Nicole sums me up like this:

Hi, my name is ... a secret for right now ... but you can call me Penelope.   Yes, that's my so-called "bar name."  No, you cannot buy me a drink.  I'm actually this much fun when I'm sober, which I always am, both fun and sober.  

I'm a native of the Midwest though I've also spent some time as a Peace Corps volunteer in Namibia and now reside in the best city in the world, San Francisco.  Prior to my stint in Shiloh Jolie-Pitt's birthland, I changed the lives of the youth of America, one novel at a time (I was a middle school English teacher).  And for the record, Namibia deserves recognition for far more than being the vacation place of the Jolie-Pitt family, and I have pictures and stories to prove it. 

If you're looking for me, you can find me taking public transportation, walking a pitbull (not my own, though they're actually a wonderful breed), playing with my fantastic niece, challenging hipsters to a dance off, or scheduling appointments at the salon where I work.  I'm a hugger, an 80's expert, and a Mountain Dew drinker.  I change my hair color and style often, found my identify at Police Camp, and I'm asking a guy out every week for a year, just for the fun of it. 

There you have it, folks.  Some insight to my personality from real people.