49.NotTheEndingIWanted

Play some Toni Braxton, get a tissue, grab some chocolate, and maybe drink some tequila because this might hurt a little.  You are probably expecting a fun post about the magical weekend I had in LA with Forty-nine and an official relationship status;  I had plans of writing something such as I had an amazing time, I have a boyfriend, and I'm going to quit this blog.  Instead I will (sadly) be writing about how I didn't go to LA and that my relationship status is officially single.

A few days before my trip, Forty-nine was out of the country for work and sent me an email stating that as much as he would like to see me, he didn't think it was a good idea for me to visit.  His reasoning was that while he's had a fun time talking and hanging out with me, he's looking for a serious relationship and doesn't think it's feasible with us because of the distance and our different lifestyles.  At least his reasons are consistent because those are the same concerns he originally mentioned when we first decided to keep talking after he moved.  He also said he felt like a dick for canceling our plans last minute and offered to either reimburse me for my plane ticket or pay for my hotel and taxi fares.

Maybe I should have seen this coming, but I didn't; all I saw was a guy that I really liked who seemed to feel the same about me, and I was already thinking about when I could see him again.  Since I wasn't expecting that email, my immediate reaction when I read it was, "Oh, shit" and then my entire body seemed to deflate.  I wrote him back and admitted that his email hurt and that I had been excited for a fun weekend with him where at the end of it I assumed we would figure out if we were going to become an official relationship (for the record, this was my first choice), keep it chill, or call it quits.  I admitted to him that I'm not against commitment, there's just never been any guy that I've gone out with who has made me want to pursue a relationship. Then he came along, and I liked him, dang it.  I agreed that his points about the distance and lifestyle differences are valid but that I was leaning towards the theory that I can overcome any obstacle.

I can't be mad about Forty-nine's decision because I told him from the beginning that if he changed his mind at any point about the trip to tell me.  We talked on the phone when he got back to California, and I had so many points and arguments swirling around in my head to convince him that we could make this work such as (a) Relationships aren't supposed to be easy.  If they were, then everyone would be walking around smiling and holding hands with animated hearts floating above them all the time. (b) So what if we're different?  That's what makes it fun and interesting.  As much as I like myself, I don't want to be with someone who is just like me.  However, when it came down to it all I could say to him on the phone was that I was sad (note to self: cross off 'emotional public speaker' from possible career list).  Forty-nine apologized several times and again offered to pay for my flight.  I told him I appreciated it, but that I made the decision to plan the trip and wasn't taking his money.  I definitely laughed a couple times during the call and told him I had no idea what I was supposed to say. "Good luck with life?" In the end, I simply said thanks for a great couple of months, that I had no regrets, and that if he ever needed anything that he could always call me, and I then ended it with, "Okay, well have a good night, I'm going to go be sad now."  I don't know what the standard protocol is for this kind of situation, but that was mine because I do like him.  Forty-nine truly is a fantastic guy who was nothing but respectful, generous, and sweet to me.

Since I kept the phone call brief and simple I didn't realize just how broken up I was until my best friend called me a few minutes later, and I instantly started crying while I told him what happened.  I laughed at myself for crying because Forty-nine is the first guy I've cried about since middle school.  I suppose the crying bit is actually good news because it means the sad emotion section of my brain and heart aren't defective, so apparently I am human; really, I didn't even realize my tear ducts were completely functional until that phone call.

What does this mean for me?  43% of me wants to be romantically optimistic that this is just a minor bump in the road for us because relationships aren't perfect, and that Forty-nine will wake up and realize that he wants me in his life.  37% of me thinks that if his mind is set then it's better that it happened now rather than later.  20% of me wants to stand in the middle of a country road and shout at the top of my lungs, "WHAT THE HELL, MAN?!?"  The only thing I know for sure is that I'm not going to sit around in the land of "what if" and analyze the situation wondering if I had done 'this' or said 'that' if things would be different.  That's not my style.  It is what it is - I fell for a great guy, but he had second thoughts.

49.Surprise

When I asked Forty-nine what his weekend plans were, he informed me that he would be in Oakland working on his rally car.  I wished him luck on the car and left it at that; while I would have loved to have seen him, I didn't want to get in the way of his plans - as much as I think the world revolves around me, I pride myself on not being clingy and people being able to do their own things.  So the next afternoon when Forty-nine walked into the salon unannounced and said hi, my face turned red and my heart skipped a bunch of beats.

He definitely wowed the girls at work because in the few minutes that he and I were outside, the salon was swirling with "is that him; did she know he was coming; he's cuuuuute" and other such comments, along with them staring at us from the window.  Forty-nine gave up on the car for the day, came back inside with me, and chatted with people until I was finished an hour or so later.  Sadly I had dinner plans with Rob and his family who were visiting from Australia, so Forty-nine drove me home and said he'd see me in two weeks.  At dinner Rob told me that I could have stood him up for dinner; I appreciated that and knew that Rob would have understood if I had done so, but I also pride myself in not ditching friends for boys.  As a lifelong single person my friendships are important to me, and I never want to take them for granted.  Plus, I adore Rob's parents.

The next morning I messaged Forty-nine that if he needed someone to ride shotgun on his 3-hour round trip of taking his car to a mechanic that I was available.  He said thanks but that he and his buddy were getting ready to take off.  An hour later as I was heading to my friend's BBQ, Forty-nine told me that  he changed his mind about taking the car and asked if I was free to do something.  He met me at my friend's place and we were social for a couple of hours over corn hole and food before he and I headed to the park so he could finally experience the roller skating scene that I love so much.  

Conclusion: He may sound too good to be true, but people at work and at the BBQ can confirm that this guy really does exist.