Six

I'm a receptionist at a hair salon, and there are definitely a few guys that come in that make me giddy.  One of these guys is Six - adorable, artsy, and super friendly.  Whenever he calls or stops in the salon, we talk like we’ve known each other for ages.  I’ve had a crush on him since the first time he came in, but there’s never been a good time for me to ask him out because I’ve never seen him outside of the salon, and it seems a bit wrong to ask him out while he’s paying for his haircut.  I mean, I guess I could always get his number from our client file, but (a) that’s probably unethical and (b) it’s definitely creepy.  I’m not trying to become unemployed or a stalker here. 

Today he came in for a cut, and we talked about Halloween costumes and plans while he waited on his stylist.  I decided there was never going to be a perfect time to make my move, and his appointment was one of the last ones of the day, so today was the day.  There were two stylists there – Sara and Kim – and another regular client, Scott.  In my mind it was going to be as near as perfect as possible – Kim would finish Scott’s cut first and leave and then it would just be Sara, Six, and me left, and Sara knows that I like Six.  Of course, that’s not the way it went down.  Sara finished first and the three of us talked for a few minutes, and then Sara wandered away while Six paid.  He and I kept talking, and I wrote my number on a post-it note for him about the same time Kim and Scott finished.  Scott came up to pay, and then apparently noticed I was in flirt-mode because he walked back over to talk to Kim while she got ready to leave.  The two of them and Sara were just hanging out five feet away waiting on me because they were all ready to leave, so I sped up things by handing the post-it note to Six and saying, “This is for you.  Definitely hit me up and we’ll go out.”  So eloquent and romantic, I know.  Six looked at it, smiled (genuinely, I think), and said, “Thank you so much. Seriously.”  When he walked out Kim, Scott, and Sara were just laughing at me while I thanked them for giving me time to hit on the client. So not the ideal situation, but it happened.  

Five

Background: My niece goes to a daycare run by a Ukrainian lady named Ella.  The other day Ella told my sister, “I have a man for your sister.  He is handsome, tall, and a professional.  I was going to set him up with another lady, but she has three kids, so I think it is too much baggage.  So he is for your sister.  Here is his email address.”  Let me be clear, my interactions with Ella are limited to “Hi, how are you, thank you, see you tomorrow” twice a week when I pick up my niece from daycare.  Basically I have nothing to lose with this potential match-making attempt, so why not?

To: Five

From: Penelope

Subject: Hello from Ella’s friend

Hi Five!

My niece goes to Ella’s daycare, and Ella thought you and I should meet.  My schedule is all over the place these days, but I’m definitely up for meeting you sometime.  Let me know if you would like to meet.

Penelope Jones

415.555.7949

A few hours later I answer a phone call from a blocked number, which turned out to be Five.

Me: Hello

Five: Is this Penelope?

Me: Yes

Five: Penelope Jones?

Me: Yes.  Who is this (insert confused tone here)?

Five: This is Five.  You sent me an email today.  So how do you know Ella?

Me: Oh, Five, hi!  Yeah, my niece goes to Ella’s daycare, and Ella told my sister you and I should meet.

Five: Oh, well, I talked to my sister-in-law when I got your email, and we thought it might be a scam of some kind.  I didn’t realize Ella had my email address, I don’t know how she got it.  So you live in Lafayette then?

Me: Lafayette?  No.  I live in the city.

Five: Oh, then I don’t understand how you’ve met Ella.  She doesn’t have daycare.

Me: Um, yeah, the daycare is in my neighborhood.  Um?  I’m not sure we’re talking about the same Ella.  Ella is the Ukrainian lady who runs the daycare.

Five: What?  Oh I don’t know who that is, but my niece is Ella.  (Insert our combined confused laughter here).  So I’m not sure who your Ella is.

Me: Well, she’s a Ukrainian lady that runs the daycare where my niece goes.  She gave my sister your email address.  I think maybe your mom and her mom know each other?

Five: Wait, is she Russian?

Me: She’s Ukrainian, but yeah she speaks Russian.  (haven’t I already said Ukrainian a few times?) She’s short, round, and has dark short hair.

Five: Oh, Evalina!  Wait, should I be calling her Ella?

Me: Since there’s a chance we still might not be talking about the same person, I’d say you should keep calling her whatever you’ve been calling her.

Five: I guess so.  Now that this is all kind of cleared up, thanks for reaching out to me – I'd love to meet you.

Conclusion: Five is going to Hawaii for a week, but he’s supposed to call me when he’s back to set up a time to meet.  We’ll see.  Oh, Ella/Evalina.

Four

Apparently I have a penchant for writing notes to guys.

Exhibit A: Attempts 1 & 3. 

Exhibit B: A few years ago I met a guy at a friend's wedding, and we started hanging out regularly. I decided I might like him, but I couldn't read his mind to figure out what he thought about me.  My method of getting to the truth?  Writing an email for crystal clear clarification – in my professional opinion people are more honest on paper since they don’t have to look at the other person while laying it all out there (plus, you get written proof if you need it for your scrapbook).

To: The Crush

From: Penelope

Subject: The deal, middle school style situation

I like you, but since I haven’t been able to meet up with you lately, I haven’t had a chance to share that little secret with you.

Possibilities:

1. Maybe you’ve got a gal and can’t be bothered with me

2. Maybe you like me the same as I like you, and you want me to kiss you so we can see what happens

3. Maybe you have absolutely no interest in me and never want to see me again

4. Maybe you’re free and single and just want to keep it that way

5. Maybe you think I’m cool, but you’re only interested in friendship

6. Maybe you like me, but you think I want to go steady and you’re not looking for commitment

7. Maybe something else that I haven’t covered here

Conclusion:

Are any of the above true?  #2 is my top pick, but I’m really okay with any of them (except #3.  If you choose #3, can I get my Hello Kitty Tupperware back before you tell me to go away?)  Be brutally honest; I can take it.  I really want the complete truth rather than not knowing.

To: Penelope

From: The Crush

Subject: Re: The deal, middle school style situation

LOL, middle school style, ok, let me look these over….#1 except that doesn’t mean I can’t hang out with you.  #4 but we aren’t officially together. #5 I do think you’re a cool girl, seriously, but I don’t see us as more than friends.  I like kickin’ it with ya, but just as friends if you’re cool with that because I really do have a good time with you.

Fast forward to now: The Crush and I are still friends, and I’m still writing notes to guys.

Exhibit C: First of all, homemade chocolate yogurt sprinkled with graham crackers – yum!  Clearly Four, aka the guy working behind the frozen yogurt counter, and I had a connection when he asked me what my shirt said and I read it to him “Indie, Pop, Rock, You, And Me” (I attempted to flirtatiously emphasize the “you” and “me” portion).  I asked my friends how old they thought the guy was, and Polly pointed out his mustache as proof that he was probably old enough.  You should know that I am horrible at the age game, and it’s always better for me to get second opinions on the age factor.  With their just barely age approval, I went back to the counter for my mission.

Me: The yogurt was delicious, and this is for you (as I handed him a note)

Four: What’s this?

Me: You get a love note today!

Four: Is it from you? (with an adorable smile, which made me think, “Oh my goodness, this is a frozen yogurt place, this dude’s got to be crazy young.”)

Me: Yep, bye!

The note…

Dear You,

You seem like you are most likely a nice fellow.  Fact:  I’m pretty fantastic myself.  Conclusion: We should go out sometime.

Sincerely,

Pop, Rock, Indie shirt girl (aka Penelope) 415-555-7949

While the note might not work with this kid (I say kid because in retrospect I’m convinced that he was a youngster), I might start carrying generic notes to pass out because really I never know when I might need one!

Three

I love karaoke!  For my birthday, my friends and I went to karaoke where I like to think I wowed the audience with my rendition of “Shoop.” My sister made a chocolate cake for the occasion, and when it comes to chocolate, I must share it otherwise I’ll eat it all by myself in record time.  Therefore, I had to offer it to the guys at the table next to us.  Earlier my friends and I were playing the game “gay or hipster?” (rather than "gay or European") and if the guys were hipster, whether or not I should ask out one of them.  I decided they were hipsters, but remember typically hipsters don’t love me because I’m always decked out in colors and have an over-the-top cheerful personality.  Apparently cake (or maybe my dress made from Star Wars sheets) is the uniting factor of our worlds, though, because after cake was shared and songs were sung, our tables were chatting.  I had my sights on the tall, skinny hipster (complete with skinny black jeans, flannel shirt, and sketchy facial hair), but it was a tough decision because another possible reason I don’t often have luck with guys is because (1) I never know which guy to focus on in a group and (2) I don’t want to pick the one that always gets picked because then I feel badly for the others (egotistical or do I just have a bleeding heart?).  Three was the tall, skinny one and he hadn’t sung yet; he informed me (when I asked if instead of a singer was he the back-up dancer?) that he was the encourager and supporter.  In the midst of our conversation I handed him a song request that I filled out earlier and told him, “Here’s a song request for next time.”  Without so much as a glance at the paper, he said "Okay" and walked away looking slightly confused.  The request:

Name: Penelope

Song: I WANT YOU TO WANT ME

Song #: 415-555-7949

Key: It’s my birthday week - let’s go out!

The evening went on without any awkwardness and was full of more singing and dancing.  As the guys left they told us goodbye and that we should come by there on a Sunday with them.  After they left, we saw a folded up karaoke slip on our table that said “SONG REQUEST FOR NEXT TIME”

Ph(F)ilomena, You are offensively beautiful, stop that.  –Three 415-555-1342

Um, my name isn’t Philomena or Filomena, that’s one of my friends that was with me.  Seriously, dude?  You either (a) aren’t the brightest because I wrote my name on the paper I gave you (b) aren’t clever enough to ask my friend out using a different method than the one I used on you or (c) are a jerk.  My friends were all “Oh I bet he just mixed up the names.”  Whatever, I wrote my name down for him, so he should have double-checked.  I’m not an emotional sap, and in the end it made the story funnier to me.  I’m not calling him, though; I gave him my number first, and because I don’t want to see his sad face when I walk into “our” date instead of Ph(F)ilomena.

Two

This weekend there was a giant music festival, so I was a complete slacker about asking out anyone because I knew the park would be full of guys for my cause. True and false. The park was absolutely full of guys, but I now realize a music festival is not the ideal place to go up to a guy and ask them out on a date. Reason 1: men apparently don't often go to music festivals with only other guys. If there’s a guy, there’s probably a girl. I'm sure this has always been the general situation, but I've never noticed it before. Maybe they’re not together, but there is no real way to tell, and I’m not about to go flirt and/or ask a guy out in front of a girl who is potentially his girlfriend and will murder me with her eyes or punch me with her fists. Reason 2: drunk and stoned men in a park during the day are not that appealing. Reason 3: if you do happen to see the man of your dreams and there is no girl in sight, you still have to climb over people sitting down or push through a crowd to get to him, and that’s just terribly inconvenient.

The first guy I decided on fell under reasons 1 & 3. I was going to have to climb over a few packs of people to get him, and by the time I decided that the effort was worth it, a girl in the group walked up to him and hung onto his arm. The second guy I chose ended up being reason 2. He was with two other guys and they were standing in a fairly empty space, so with my friends cheering me on (or laughing from embarrassment for me) I went to make my move. I tried to ease into a conversation with music festival small talk. "Is this the final act for this stage?" Insert caveman-like grunt reply here. "Have you been here all weekend?" Affirmative grunt, I think. "Nice. Who was your favorite band of the festival?" Response of blank stare. I stood there awkwardly (important side note here, even when other people think a situation is awkward, I rarely do, but I did this time) for about 35 seconds before saying, "Ok, see ya" and walking away. I'm filing that one under the category of non-English speaker or totally stoned.

Finally at the end of the day, there was a group of guys that got our attention because one of them was wearing a giant monkey mascot head. My friends (and I’m sure every other smart person there) called him over to be in a picture with us. After the picture, I declared to Monkey Boy (Two), “You’re fun! Let’s go on a date!” Two, “Maybe.” Me, “I’m being totally genuine here.” Two, “Ok,” and then he walked away. I guess his ok was really a no. I really wanted that one to happen because I’m sure it would have made for a great story, and because since I couldn’t see what the guy looked like I wasn’t being one bit superficial. Dang.