Online Game

Kudos to people who find their match through online dating; I see nothing wrong with this way of meeting people, but I seriously have no game whatsoever with this business.  I apparently either need to make some changes to my profile or my tactics, but I’m sure I won’t do either.  Here is a smattering of messages I’ve sent to different guys in the past few months; I haven’t heard back from any of them.

Falstaf1 stated in his profile, I once lived in Bulgaria, in the sunny seaside town of Varna, taming and training small brown bears to dance to the tantalizing tune of a lute, eating fire and perfecting my skills as a cut-purse. Ok, so only part of this is actually true. I was intrigued and sent him a message: I'm hooked - I need to know how much and which bits of your Bulgaria tale are true. Either way, I'm slightly jealous of all your international experiences; they put mine to shame.

To Pronsato who had a highly entertaining profile I messaged I would like to award you 5 gold stars (unofficially, though, because 1. I don't have any at the moment and 2. I have no star-giving authority) for your entertaining profile. Well done.

OK Cupid suggested that Helloguest and I would be a good match, so after looking at his profile I sent him this message:

1. The Quiver people have chosen and think we're a match.

2. All I can hear is Yoda's voice now.

3. Let me know if you need help visiting the 100 places to eat in SF. Especially if pancakes are involved because I have a major hankering for some good pancakes right now.

Bapssty is another match for me according to OK Cupid, so I made the first move. Surprise! I meet some of your criteria: I walk all of the time, AND I enjoy fun. Amazing. If that doesn't sell you on me, Cupid here thinks we'd be okay as a match or friends. What do you think?

To Kellyisaboysname who said he wishes he went bowling more I simply wrote to him, I vote that we go bowling. I'm pretty horrendous at it, which means you will win and probably be entertained by the techniques I use.

Waiting4godot is fairly new to the city and wants to explore it, learn a language, the guitar, or to dance.  I tried to open the door with I don't think we're mortal enemies because we seem to have quite a bit in common; on the other hand, maybe we have too much in common and will be competitive and then become rivals. I can't teach you how to play the guitar or another language, but I make a great dance partner. I'm always up for exploring the city and discovering new places. Let me know if you want company on your next SF adventure.

Who is Penelope?

I asked two of my friends to describe me for those of you that might know me very well.  For the record, I didn't ask them to do this in order to boost my ego; rather because I thought it would be more entertaining to get a friend's perspective.  Especially these two friends because we had discussions about relationships during our lunch breaks on a regular basis.  The first description is from Andrew, who once told me, “You’ll definitely find your fish one day, you just have a smaller pool to choose from.”  Honest and accurate.  Here is what Andrew has to say.

I am not here to describe a person that I knew for several years during our hard time in Indiana. No. In fact, I am going to merely try to recall and describe our randomnicity of events which unfolded here in Indianapolis several years ago.

One of the first times I met Penelope was while we both worked at the Department of Education during a lunchtime function. We had a Health specialist that was all about being healthy (imagine that!) and decided to set us state employees up with a little thing called Wii Olympics. As amazing as it was to see the dorkiest old people in the world Wii Boxing and then later arguing results, I was more enthralled by the girl that I did not know who refused to exit the Wii Dance Revolution game thingy. “Penelope, it’s someone else’s turn.” I was semi-embarrassed for this poor girl. Yet, as she strangely continued moving her hips to the sound of techno music in front of hordes of the most un-hip people ever, it was at this moment I realized I had a new friend.

Cut to Trivia Night at the Elbow Room some months later. Penelope has a knack at getting the most random people together for social events. This was one of those times. Penelope, in fact, got so many people to attend that we had to split our team up in two. Penelope and our group of friends and their siblings took to one team. This guy? Well, I got to play with two of Department of Education higher-ups, one of which called himself “one of the Bob’s from Office Space” because that’s what his job entails (not a good thing, buddy). As I begin to lose consciousness while my friend is describing how to convert grams to kilos (by referencing his inherent drug weighing knowledge from his college years) I realized at that time that this was a truly memorable evening – for many reasons. And yet, none of this was possible without our group social leader – Penelope.

Why do I mention the two specific stories above? I don’t know. But, what I do know is that I could go on and on about the many ridiculous, blazing-hot/freezing-cold-Indiana-night memories that happened in my life that directly involve Penelope. But, I will choose not to bore you anymore.

Instead, I will mention the common denominator of all of these events and that is this: Penelope is a great and wonderful, fun-loving lady (not of the night). She wears wild colors in her hair (remember, I live in Indiana) and she has a belt made of picture frames (I cannot make this up). She is a karaoke maniac that requires a sound system, dance floor, and an audience. She is not typical. If you are looking for typical, dude, stop reading this now and go find a GAP girl because you are in for a world of hurt. Penelope is unique (New York?). She is always up for an impromptu dance-off. And although I am a married man, I oftentimes found myself reciting quotes from old black and white movies just to see if they’d work on her. She is an unfound treasure chest, filled with rainbows and laser beams (the good kind).

As I continue to write, I see why she asked me to say a few words about her – she didn’t want to sound like a crazy person. Well, Penelope, I may have still accomplished that fact. So, I’m sorry.

But hey, at least it wasn’t you saying it. If by some happenchance you are still reading what could be the most wildly improper and semi-inaccurate biography ever, I would like to mention this: one of her nicknames here in Indiana was “The Kissing Whore.” So…have at her boys!!!!

(For anyone who’s wondering, we did in fact get the grams to kilos question incorrect).

The second description is from Nicole; when I asked her to do this she said, “I don’t think you can be described” and that I should just say “I asked a friend to describe me, but she says it’s impossible – you have to get to know me.” Nicole sums me up like this:

Hi, my name is ... a secret for right now ... but you can call me Penelope.   Yes, that's my so-called "bar name."  No, you cannot buy me a drink.  I'm actually this much fun when I'm sober, which I always am, both fun and sober.  

I'm a native of the Midwest though I've also spent some time as a Peace Corps volunteer in Namibia and now reside in the best city in the world, San Francisco.  Prior to my stint in Shiloh Jolie-Pitt's birthland, I changed the lives of the youth of America, one novel at a time (I was a middle school English teacher).  And for the record, Namibia deserves recognition for far more than being the vacation place of the Jolie-Pitt family, and I have pictures and stories to prove it. 

If you're looking for me, you can find me taking public transportation, walking a pitbull (not my own, though they're actually a wonderful breed), playing with my fantastic niece, challenging hipsters to a dance off, or scheduling appointments at the salon where I work.  I'm a hugger, an 80's expert, and a Mountain Dew drinker.  I change my hair color and style often, found my identify at Police Camp, and I'm asking a guy out every week for a year, just for the fun of it. 

There you have it, folks.  Some insight to my personality from real people.  

Twenty-six

I was reading a book on the bus the other day when I heard somebody say “Nice beanie.”  I looked up and saw this guy point at my neon pink hat and then point at his red matching one.  I told him thanks and said too bad his didn’t look as awesome as mine probably did under a black light (I have no idea why I say some things). He laughed and started talking to his friend, and I continued reading my book.  A few minutes had gone by when he asked, “Do you like ice cream?”  I realized he was talking to me and replied, “Yeah.  I do.” After a slight pause this was our exchange:

Me: Are we going to get some?

26: Do you want to?

Me: I’m always up for ice cream.

26: We (indicating his friend) have some at our place.

Me: Um, that’s kind of sketchy.

26: I guess it is.  I mean we can be trusted, but maybe you can't.  What neighborhood are you heading to?

Me: Inner Sunset

26: Us, too.  Do you know of an ice cream place there?

Me: Yep, Holy Gelato at 9^th & Judah.

26: Ok, then, Holy Gelato it is.

Then I went back to reading, and he and his friend continued talking.  Please note that this exchange took place on a bus with a random girl sitting between us (she was either annoyed or entertained, I couldn’t tell).  Twenty-six, his friend, and I got out a few stops later and properly introduced ourselves at the intersection.  When we walked into Holy Gelato, Twenty-six immediately told the girl working that ours were all together.  The three of us got our treats and shared random conversation (also Twenty-six had me try his flavors, which seemed slightly intimate considering we just met seven minutes earlier; luckily, I’m all for being forward).  I asked an ice-breaker question – “If you only had one karaoke song you could ever sing, what would it be?”  Twenty-six thought about it and said, “This is probably going to sound pretty douchey, but I’d choose ‘Bohemian Rhapsody.’” I professed my love for Queen to him and told him in my mind that was not the least bit douchey.  The guys asked where I go for karaoke, and I told them where and that I was actually going in two days.  They said it sounded like fun and that they would try to meet me there.  We finished our gelato and said goodbye.  Like an idiot I didn’t get his number, and I didn’t see either of them at karaoke.  Maybe I’ll run into him in the neighborhood again.  Either way, I loved the complete randomness of the situation.  It just goes to show that talking to strangers isn’t always a bad thing – sometimes you might get free gelato.

Twenty-five

While I was out with some friends, I took the initiative to greet pretty much everyone that walked in the bar since our table was right next to the door.  By the end of the night I made some friends, frightened a few people, and asked out one guy.  Twenty-five was with his friends who all fit in the jock category and were literally tossing a rugby ball back and forth.  At one point Twenty-five walked by with a cigarette behind each ear and two in his mouth, and I told him that looked like the worst decision of the evening.  He said he had probably smoked all of three cigarettes in his whole life, but that his friends had dared him to try to smoke four at the same time.  Idiots.  He followed his friends outside, and I followed him to give him a cigarette that he had dropped.  His friend (we’ll call him George) asked if I would hang out with them outside and give Twenty-five a kiss after he was done with the cigarettes.  I told George that I was going to walk inside and weigh the pros and cons of that scenario.

A few minutes later I walked up to Twenty-five and said, “While I am not going to kiss you now, no offense, I will go on a date with you.”  As he smiled and said that was sweet, George walked up to me with his lips puckered and tried to kiss me.  I dodged him and asked, “Why on earth are you trying to kiss me when I just asked out your friend?  I’m done.”  I went back inside and they never came back.  I repeat, idiots.