Eighty-two

A few months ago there was a two week span when several of my friends were out of town, and I found myself at the gym two weekends in a row. Now, I'm not really a person that consistently exercies, so I considered it a state of emergency that I ended up working out so regularly; the clear solution for this new chaos in my life was to start online dating.

Within a week, I had my first date set up. Eighty-two suggested karaoke, which if this date was on a points system, he earned 25 bonus points for that plan. He then earned an extra 15 points for choosing and totally owning the performance of a random song in Mandarin although he doesn't speak or read Mandarin. During the conversation portions of the date, roughly 157 points were deducted. At no point was he rude or inappropriate, but was super quirky with no train of thought (or was just someone that wanted to see how many ridiculous things he could say before a date walked out on him or he was wearing an earpiece and someone was telling him absurd things to say). Here are my two favorite highlights from our "conversations."

1) He had mentioned that he had just returned to the states after living in Europe for ten years. When I asked where he had been living, he told me Berlin and Amsterdam and then without missing a beat he said, "I think I have a pimple here [pointing at his upper, inner thigh]. You know the kind that hurts, but you still want to touch it."

2) While walking to get food I suggested burritos and he asked where I go for burritos. I named my favorite taqueria in the city and he responded, "Oh I know that place. The last time I was there the smell reminded me of the Lusty Lady. [insert blank stare from me] You don't know the Lusty Lady? I don't know if it's still there, but it was a peep show where you pay a dollar to jerk off."

The date amazingly lasted almost two hours with other charming commentary from Eighty-two and lots of neutral and blank stares from me as I continued to mildly react with "Uh-uh, okay, oh." If I was on some kind of hidden camera show I personally think I should have won $5000 for not reacting, but I guess that doesn't make for fun TV.