49.NotTheEndingIWanted

Play some Toni Braxton, get a tissue, grab some chocolate, and maybe drink some tequila because this might hurt a little.  You are probably expecting a fun post about the magical weekend I had in LA with Forty-nine and an official relationship status;  I had plans of writing something such as I had an amazing time, I have a boyfriend, and I'm going to quit this blog.  Instead I will (sadly) be writing about how I didn't go to LA and that my relationship status is officially single.

A few days before my trip, Forty-nine was out of the country for work and sent me an email stating that as much as he would like to see me, he didn't think it was a good idea for me to visit.  His reasoning was that while he's had a fun time talking and hanging out with me, he's looking for a serious relationship and doesn't think it's feasible with us because of the distance and our different lifestyles.  At least his reasons are consistent because those are the same concerns he originally mentioned when we first decided to keep talking after he moved.  He also said he felt like a dick for canceling our plans last minute and offered to either reimburse me for my plane ticket or pay for my hotel and taxi fares.

Maybe I should have seen this coming, but I didn't; all I saw was a guy that I really liked who seemed to feel the same about me, and I was already thinking about when I could see him again.  Since I wasn't expecting that email, my immediate reaction when I read it was, "Oh, shit" and then my entire body seemed to deflate.  I wrote him back and admitted that his email hurt and that I had been excited for a fun weekend with him where at the end of it I assumed we would figure out if we were going to become an official relationship (for the record, this was my first choice), keep it chill, or call it quits.  I admitted to him that I'm not against commitment, there's just never been any guy that I've gone out with who has made me want to pursue a relationship. Then he came along, and I liked him, dang it.  I agreed that his points about the distance and lifestyle differences are valid but that I was leaning towards the theory that I can overcome any obstacle.

I can't be mad about Forty-nine's decision because I told him from the beginning that if he changed his mind at any point about the trip to tell me.  We talked on the phone when he got back to California, and I had so many points and arguments swirling around in my head to convince him that we could make this work such as (a) Relationships aren't supposed to be easy.  If they were, then everyone would be walking around smiling and holding hands with animated hearts floating above them all the time. (b) So what if we're different?  That's what makes it fun and interesting.  As much as I like myself, I don't want to be with someone who is just like me.  However, when it came down to it all I could say to him on the phone was that I was sad (note to self: cross off 'emotional public speaker' from possible career list).  Forty-nine apologized several times and again offered to pay for my flight.  I told him I appreciated it, but that I made the decision to plan the trip and wasn't taking his money.  I definitely laughed a couple times during the call and told him I had no idea what I was supposed to say. "Good luck with life?" In the end, I simply said thanks for a great couple of months, that I had no regrets, and that if he ever needed anything that he could always call me, and I then ended it with, "Okay, well have a good night, I'm going to go be sad now."  I don't know what the standard protocol is for this kind of situation, but that was mine because I do like him.  Forty-nine truly is a fantastic guy who was nothing but respectful, generous, and sweet to me.

Since I kept the phone call brief and simple I didn't realize just how broken up I was until my best friend called me a few minutes later, and I instantly started crying while I told him what happened.  I laughed at myself for crying because Forty-nine is the first guy I've cried about since middle school.  I suppose the crying bit is actually good news because it means the sad emotion section of my brain and heart aren't defective, so apparently I am human; really, I didn't even realize my tear ducts were completely functional until that phone call.

What does this mean for me?  43% of me wants to be romantically optimistic that this is just a minor bump in the road for us because relationships aren't perfect, and that Forty-nine will wake up and realize that he wants me in his life.  37% of me thinks that if his mind is set then it's better that it happened now rather than later.  20% of me wants to stand in the middle of a country road and shout at the top of my lungs, "WHAT THE HELL, MAN?!?"  The only thing I know for sure is that I'm not going to sit around in the land of "what if" and analyze the situation wondering if I had done 'this' or said 'that' if things would be different.  That's not my style.  It is what it is - I fell for a great guy, but he had second thoughts.